


Dying Embers

by Ki_writes



Series: Lams One Shots [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Fighting, He's so hurt, I'm so sorry, John yells a lot, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Modern AU, Not A Happy Ending, Poor John, The Reynolds Pamphlet, Yikes, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:55:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8174002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_writes/pseuds/Ki_writes
Summary: There in the typical bold print, a name that a few hours prior would have brought John so much joy, now tainted by the words above it. Ever the eloquent writing, depicting two years worth of an affair. Two years of an alternate storyline, one that ran right alongside with the story the two of them had been creating together. 
A modern-day Reynolds Pamphlet, only it's John who Alexander cheats on. This is John's reaction.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where this came from. I don't know why. But it's here now. 
> 
> Poor John.

John’s hands were trembling. The computer screen was lit up brightly, almost too bright for his eyes to comfortably focus on. Though, maybe that was a good thing, not being able to focus. The words on the screen were ones he never wanted to hear, nor imagined he ever would. Paragraph after paragraph flowed down the page, far too much information for what should have been a personal affair. And whose name was signed at the bottom? 

Alexander Hamilton. 

There in the typical bold print, a name that a few hours prior would have brought John so much joy, now tainted by the words above it. Ever the eloquent writing, depicting two years worth of an affair. Two years of an alternate storyline, one that ran right alongside with the story the two of them were creating together. 

_I, in turn, paid Mr Reynolds to conceal my own sorrowful mistakes…_

Two years. 

Two years that John thought Alex’s late nights were caused by his intern duties with their congressman. Two years that John slept in the same bed as the man he loved, who he thought loved him back equally as much. Two year that John made love to him on the same bed that Alexander brought this woman, pulled her apart in ways that John thought were reserved for the two of them. 

Two long years. 

Two years that John believed the large amounts of missing money had been going to Alex’s interning costs- “special opportunities” he’d been given by the congressman he was shadowing. Were those opportunities real? Were they another night away, where Alexander would sneak off to her house? 

Two gruesome years. 

Staring at the screen, John felt numb. He felt his heart snapping in two; had felt the first crack when he had first read the title of the article. With a blank gaze, John stood up, walking into their shared room, the room he now knew wasn’t limited to only them, and walked to his bedside table. The bottom drawer was pulled open and John rummaged through the scarce remains within, pulling out a little velvet box. 

Opening it carefully, his fingertips grazed over the silver band inside, relishing in the smooth sensation it sent over his flesh. It was beautiful, simple, elegant, just like Alexander. 

He walked back into the living room, taking a moment to stare at the name at the bottom of the still open article on the computer screen, hoping that it was a joke. That maybe he had misunderstood or read the words wrong. Finding them still there, John placed the small box on the table next to the keyboard. From there, he walked into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water. In the middle of a particularly long sip, John heard the door open and shut in quick succession. 

He froze. 

His glass was set down on the counter and he used both of his hands to brace himself, knowing from the silence that Alexander already had to know. There was no boisterous greeting, no hug or flurry of kisses, no dropping of bags on the floor; there were only shallow footsteps urging closer and closer until John knew they were behind him in the doorway. 

They stood in silence for a moment, John determined to maintain his composure with his back turned to the man who probably looked like a real human disaster. John inhaled a deep breath and turned around to take a look. Indeed, Alexander was a mess. Hair sticking out in all different directions, bags under his eyes more prominent than usual, the eyes themselves cautious and scared at the same time, his mouth slightly ajar as though contemplating what to say. 

Their eyes connected for upwards of ten seconds until the man spoke. 

“John-” he cut himself off, maybe expecting John to say something after the initial silence break. But John said nothing, only leaned back against the counter, hands still bracing the slick surface as he stared Alexander in the eye. 

“Go ahead, Alexander.” John stated after another beat of silence. “ _Explain yourself._ ” 

“John, I-” 

“Oh wait, you don’t have to.” John stood up from his leaning position, holding a hand in the air. “You already did to the entire world. You know, the internet is a crazy place that reaches all over the globe. Funny thing.” 

“I didn’t mean to-” 

“Sleep with another girl? I don’t know, Alexander, two years is a long time. I’m sure you would have stopped earlier if you didn’t ‘mean to’.” John crossed his arms over his chest, letting out a sarcastic huff. 

“Let me explain-” 

“Go for it.” 

Alexander paused and drew in a quick breath. “It was an accident at first and I fucked up, I know. I did. I should have come clean and stopped it after the first time--hell, it should never have happened in the first place. I’m so sorry, John. I can’t even begin to explain how sorry I am.” 

John withheld his straight face through Alex’s pathetic apology, and waited a few moments after he finished to tear his gaze away from the shorter man. 

“Our home.” 

“I know.” 

“Our _bed_ , Alexander.” 

“I know, I am so sorry, John, please believe me.” He stopped, seeming to think before he spoke his next sentence. “I love you so much, I’m so sorry.” 

John felt something inside of him pulling tighter and tighter, getting closer and closer to the snapping point. 

“Love?” John asked, furrowing his brows together. “I wasn’t sure you knew exactly what that meant, because I’m almost certain that love isn’t lying to your significant other for two years about money, time, and, oh yeah, an affair.” 

“Please-” 

“I’m not done.” John snapped at him, feeling his grip slipping away quicker and quicker. “Love isn’t bringing another person into the bed you share with your significant other. I’m sure you whispered the same praises to her that you whispered to me, huh? How you love me ‘so much’, and you only want to please me.” John laughed at that, shaking his head. “What did she say to those words, Alexander?” 

“I didn’t-” 

“She probably had you wrapped around her little finger, didn’t she? You’ll do anything to make someone else happy in sex. You probably didn’t even think twice when her head was on my pillow, right? I’m assuming you fucked her on my side, didn’t you? And she slept there afterwards? You probably didn’t even clean the sheets when you were done, did you?” 

Alexander opened his mouth and spoke plainly. 

“I messed up, John. I made a mistake.” 

“A mistake?” There goes the snap. “A mistake.” John pressed forward, closing a bit of the distance between the skittish looking Alexander and himself, anger starting to pulse through his veins. “A _mistake_ is one time, Alexander. Not two years.” 

“What do you want me to say-” 

“How about tell me why you’re never satisfied? Why is nothing ever enough for you?” John gestured to himself for a brief moment. “I’m not enough.” He then gestured to the kitchen. “This isn’t enough.” Then at Alexander himself. “You are never enough!” 

“You are enough, John! You are, I fucked up! I know I don’t deserve you or-” 

“You’re damn right you don’t, Alexander.” John stated coldly, finally losing all traces of control he held before. “Why did you do this?” 

“I couldn’t say no, she came onto me and I just couldn’t say no to her. And then Reynolds found out and…” He trailed off. 

John laughed, _really_ laughed. “That is the weakest excuse I’ve ever heard. I did everything for you, Alexander! I worked every day to make sure that you were happy, and that you had the satisfaction you needed in your life. Those late nights when you said you had ‘Congress’ work, you really went off fucking this Maria girl?” 

Alexander didn’t answer and John nodded. 

“And all that money, some of it mine! You used that to fuel your own web of lies, trying to-- God, Alexander! You lied to me for two years! You paid someone to hide this from me! And then it’s you.” John bit his lip and looked up, trying to keep the tears from spilling down his cheeks. “The great Alexander Hamilton is his own undoing.” 

“Please give me another chance to prove to you, John. To prove how much you mean to me and how much I love you.” Alexander took a cautious step forward and immediately regretted it once the next few words slipped from his lips. “Baby, please-” 

“No!” John was yelling now, completely closing the gap between the two of them. “Don’t fucking call me that. You don’t get to call me that. Instead of coming to me with this personally, you go off and tell the whole world! Do you know how embarrassing that is?”

Alexander’s hand was reaching out for him, and the gentle touch felt like the deepest burn branding his skin. “Je n'ai jamais eu l'intention de te blesser…” 

“Stop! Just stop!” John shoved his hand away. “Don’t touch me, don’t speak to me like that, don’t even try!” Laurens pushed past Alexander into the living room, where the computer was still lit up with the article on the screen. 

“John, please listen for a second!” Alex pleaded, following hotly on his heels. 

“No, you listen!” John grabbed the little box near the keyboard and pulled it open without caution. “See this? This little thing?” 

Alexander froze in his place, breath leaving his body. John continued, pulling the ring out of the velvet confines. “See, I was going to propose to you this Friday, I had it all planned out and perfect. That dinner I told you we were going on? Mhm. That was for this.” He paused, taking a shaky breath before his voice climbed back up to a yell. “I wanted to marry you, Alexander! I wanted to spend my life with you and give you everything that you never had! And _this_ is how you really feel?” 

There were tears beginning to roll down Alex’s cheeks in that moment and John realized just how wet his own face felt. “J-John, I-” 

“I thought I had finally found someone to love, who loved me just as much. Some love you show!” 

“I messed up, babe please, give me another chance!” 

“Another chance?” John flung the ring across the room, hearing it hit the wall with a high pitched cracking noise. “Another chance!” He started laughing, looking almost possessed with some unidentifiable emotion. “Right, so you can do it again?” 

“No, I would never-” 

John’s hand was on Alex’s face with a loud smack. He hadn’t intended to hit the shorter man, didn’t mean to leave a handprint on the side of his face, but in that moment, John felt in control of nothing. His emotions were running wild, from anger and frustration to pure heart break; so many things were flooding his mind. 

“But you did in the first place! Fuck, Alex!” John’s back hit the wall and he finally let himself succumb to the tears. He pulled his knees into his chest once he slid down and sobbed into them, flinching away when he felt the weight of Alex’s hand starting to touch his shoulder. “No! Get your hands off of me!” A forceful shove sent Alexander backwards, a sting on his cheek still from John’s hand. 

“I want to make things better, John!” 

“Well it’s a little too late for that.” John choked out coldly, burying his head once again. A silence settled between them, interrupted only by John’s heaving breaths. He couldn’t believe where he was. On the floor, broken in half, torn apart by a man who promised to never hurt him in that way. An engagement ring thrown across the room, almost two thousand dollars down the drain. As his crying slowed slightly, John began to whisper. 

“I loved you.” 

“What?” 

He spoke clearer: louder. “I still love you.” 

“I love you, John-” 

“You lied to me.” 

“I messed up, give me another chance to prove it to you.” 

“Stop trying to prove yourself to everyone, Alexander.” 

Alex paused. “Please let me-” 

“Get out.” 

John’s usually welcoming eyes finally looked up to meet Alex’s and he wanted to scream. Alexander had a flash of disbelief on his face, as though he never imagined that John would kick him out. Of course he hadn’t imagine such a thing, because why would he? Alexander only ever thought about himself, never the effects he had on other people. 

“W-what?” Alexander sat up on his knees, eyes pleading, searching for sympathy that John didn’t have. “John, please-” 

“Get out, Alexander!” John’s voice was loud, demanding, warning. If he stayed any longer, there was no telling what John would do. 

Alexander opened his mouth again to protest, but shut it. The only smart decision he’d made that day. So, he grabbed his bag and jacket, face still stinging, and made his way to the front door. He waited a moment before opening it, looking over his shoulder to mumble, “I’m so sorry, John.” 

John waited until he had gone, his head pressed against the wall, and then let out a strangled scream, filling the otherwise silent room. Surely their neighbors had heard, but in that moment, John could care less. His self control and caution were gone. His tears flowed freely again, and didn’t stop. 

Why try to keep up his composure with nobody around to care?

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry. Feel free to yell at me in the comments if you want, I deserve it. 
> 
> See y'all Sunday.


End file.
